Drivers age calculator:

First of all, pick the number of vehicles you have used in the past 5 years. (more than one but less than 10)

Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold) Add 5 Multiply it by 50

If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758... If you haven't, add 1757.

Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e., How many vans you have used.)

The next two numbers are: YOUR AGE !

Olny srmat poelpe can raed this.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this psas it on !!

Jeremy Beadle has requested his remains are recycled into compost and scattered on his garden, ITV sources say he could be back in early autumn with "Watch out Beadles a sprout!!!!

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your van parked illegally

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes left. The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot. The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and the rope said " I'm afraid not"

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.

A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup"

A frog is looking for a loan, so he goes into a bank. He sits down at a desk and the name plate says "Patty Whac". He talks to Patty about the loan and she asks him what he has for collateral. The frog replies well I have this vase. He pulls the vase out of a bag to show her. Patty says "well that's just a cheap knick-knack". Then the owner notices the vase and says to himself "gee that's from the 17th century, it's worth tons of money" So he walks over to patty and says "That's no knick-knake Patty Whac give the frog a loan".

Three old men are at the doctors for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" reply's the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday". 

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut...

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts! 

A little boy was visiting his grandmother and the young boy asked his grandmother,"grandma, how old are you"? She replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that". A few minutes past and the young boy asked his grandmother another question, "how much do you weight"? The grandmother replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that"!
The following week when the little boy went back to school he told his friends about the conversation he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on her drivers license, all the information will be there.
The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,"you weight 130lb., and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy in a bashful way whispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex".

why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was too chicken.

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name

Why are there so many Johnson's in the phone book? They all have phones.

What do you call a person with leprosy in a bath tub? Stew!

Two old guys at an old folk's home shooting the breeze. One says "How's the memory?" The other says "Perfect, touch wood", and raps his knuckles on the table. 2 minutes go bye, and then he says "Somebody gonna get the door or what?"

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!

A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediate ly says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe t hat you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.

A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"

How do you describe the average cannibal? A guy with a wife and ate children.

What did the cannibal do when he saw an 'All you can eat restaurant'? He had two waiters and a busboy.

Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.

Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second one would of ducked.

What does Mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.....

Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm.

Whatdaya call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef. What daya call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. Whatdaya call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway... 

A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get Scent of a Woman. Her husband came back with a Fish Called Wanda.

What's big and brown and walks through walls? Spooky Dooky.

Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

One day this guys house was on fire so he decided he better call the fire department. He got on the phone with the chief and the man was very frantic. The man said chief you have to get over her my house is on fire. The chief says calm down, how do we get to your house, and the man said you don't have those big red trucks anymore!

Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner and his wife gave him a cold shoulder?

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin' Catholic.

What's the worst part about eating vegetables? Those damn wheelchairs.

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't.

Why did the bee cross his legs? Because he couldn't find the BP station.

What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.

What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him out for a drag.

Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

What is the famous last words in surgery? Ouch!!

There was a lawyer that was talking to his client who just committed murder. He said "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news? " The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered."

A travelling salesman was driving down a country road when a rabbit ran in front of his car and he hit it. The proverbial farmer was sitting on the fence watching. The salesman gets out of his car and opens the trunk. He then removes an aerosol can and sprays the contents on the dead rabbit. The next thing you know the rabbit gets up and hops about 20 ft. down the road, turns and waves to the salesman, goes another 20 ft. and waves to the salesman. The salesman looks at the farmer and says "he'll be ok ay now." The salesman gets into his car and leaves. The farmer wondering what's going on walks over to the ditch where the salesman threw the can, picks it up and read the label which said FOR HARE RESTORATION AND PERMANENT WAVE.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

A pork pie walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we dont serve food in here.

What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield? His butt.

Two male mushrooms are walking down the road. Walking towards them is a female mushroom all dressed up. They look at her. She ignores them both and walks right by. Then, the one male mushroom, in a very high pitched mushroom voice, says to the oth er: "Jeez, she didn't even look at us. What's wrong? We are a couple of fun-gis!"

Whats the smartest thing a man can say? "my wife says"

A farmer is milking his cow. As he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cows ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer looks up and says, "Hmph. In one ear, out the utter."

How do you turn a cat into a dog? You tie up the cat, pour gasoline on it, light a match and watch him go WOOF!!!! How do you turn a dog into a cat? You tie up the dog, getan electric saw to cut him, and watch him go MEOWWWWW!!!!!! 

How do you get Dragon milk? From a cow with short legs.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What do you get when you put a canary in a blender? Shredded tweet

Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay then they would be bagels.~Jon Smith~

What's clear and smells like carrots? A Rabbit fart.

What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon.

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turn s the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She replied "D*mn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"

What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly unsaturated.

How is a divorce in West Virginia like a hurricane in Florida? Either way, you lose the trailer.

Have you heard about Ron Howard's new movie, a travel documentary about northern Europe? It's called "Mr. Opie's Holland"

Where does a one armed man shop? At a second hand store!

What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.

Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff.
The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink" 

What Happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off!

A couple cannot wait to be married. They are driving home and hit a patch of ice, crash, die and go right to heaven. Appearing before Saint Peter, they tell him, "Saint Peter, we couldn't wait to get married, Could you get us married here in heaven ." Saint Peter pauses and says, "I'll see what I can do." Time passes and Saint Peter calls the couple to his office and tells them, "I have some good news, you are going to be married." They are married and are so happy. As time goes on, they go back to see Saint Peter. They tell him, "we want a divorce. This marriage isn't what we thought it would be. We can't stand it." Saint Peter responds,"give me a break, it took me 10 years to find a priest to marry you, it will take me forever to find you a lawyer."

famous last words of a mafia hit man... "who put the violin in the violin case !"

Did you hear about the Barbie doll; it's called Divorce Barbie. She comes with all of Ken's stuff.

What do you do if you see a person having an epilepsy attack in a bathtub? Throw your laundry in quick!

How do you kill a blue elephant? Shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Choke it until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.~Got this one from a ton of people

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.

# How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

How do you top a car? Tep on the brake tupid.

What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

What do you call a man with a pint of beer on his head?

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs on your doorstep? 

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?

What do you get when you squeeze an olive? Oliver Twist!

Didya hear about the Procter and Gamble worker who fell in the vat of lotion? He softened to death.

Which of these things don't belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a chinese guy run over by a truck? The tuna. The other two are crustaceans.

Why doesn't Smoky the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel!

Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms!

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!

Why can't skeletons play music in church? They have no organs!

How do you greet a 2-headed monster? Hello, Hello

What do you do when you are inside an elephant? Run around and run around til you're all pooped out.

I once had a diamond but I took it for granite.

what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the water? 

what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the wall? 

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? "Thanks, I'll never part with it!"

What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly Unsaturated.

How is a divorce in West Virginia like a hurricane in Florida? Either way, you lose a trailer.

Have you heard of about Ron Howard's new movie, a travel documentary about northern Europe? It's called "Mr. Opie's Holland."

How do you make pizza? Stick a leper next to a fan.

What's the ultimate doom for a leper? An epileptic fit.

Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk 'em and then pitch to the rhino.

This guy has been working at the local grocery store for over two years. When the promotion list goes up and he sees that the new stock-boy got the cashiers job over him, he becomes irate. That night, after ten or so beers he and his co-worker Arty s tart talking about the bad decision Mr. Boss made. The conversation turns to murder. In his drunken state, Arty agrees to kill the new cashier and Mr. Boss for the contents of his saddened friends pockets. The next day the local papers headline read, " Arty chokes two for a dollar at MegaFoods"

A young man comes into the doctors and says, "Doc, is it hereditary to lose your memory?" "No," the doctor replies, "Why?" "Well," the man says, "both of my parents are. For example, one day my mother wanted some Ice Cream, so she went out to get so me. But my father stopped her, telling her that he would get some. 'Alright,' she said, 'I'll write it down'. 'no', he says, 'just tell me, I won't forget'. 'Okay', she says, 'I want some vanilla ice cream in a cone'. 'Okay', he says. He leaves, come s back half an hour later, gives his wife a bag. "What!" she scrams. "This is a cheeseburger, you idiot! I wanted a hamburger!"

What did the grapes say when the monks stepped on them? Nothing - they just let out a little whine.

Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children? Every time his wife is in heat he hits her over the head with his shovel.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.

Once apon a time, their lived in a magical land a snake, named Nate. In this land, actually rather close to Nate's house there was a great road, and next to this road was a lever. The lever was ancient, and the mythology around the lever was that if you were to push it, it would trigger the end of the world. One day, Nate was slithering down the road, and he came upon the lever, and began crossing the road so he could look at it. At the same moment, a truck came careening around a corner, and the driver found himself in a dilema: either hit the snake or end the world. Needless to say, the driver ran over nate and went on his merry way. The moral of the story is: Better Nate than Lever...

When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.

Why Did The skeleton cross the road? To get to the body shop!

Did you hear about the hyena that swallowed the Oxo cube (beef stock cube)? Made a laughing stock of himself!

This man has this dog that has no legs. One day someone asked him "Whats wrong with your dog?" And the man said... "What are you blind or something? He has no legs." Oh well what is it's name? Well I call it cigarette. Why in the world do you call it cigarette? Well because sometimes I like to take it out for a drag~Nathan Chambers~

What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator.

A man left his beef ranch to his three sons and they named it "Focus" because that's there the sun's rays meet (sons raise meat).

Two blondes were walking in the woods. One said, "Oh look! deer tracks! The other one argued, "No silly! Those are wolf tracks!" They fought over it. Two hours later they were both killed by a train.

What did the clown say when he cracked an egg on his head? Yuk, yuk, the yolk's on me,

What does a one leggeged ballerina wear. A one one

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.

What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.

How did the teenager know that he had bad acne? His dog called him spot.

What's the biggest advantage of being a cannibal abortionist? You do not have to go out for lunch.

A snail is returning home late at night and has to cut though a dark ally. As he is passing though, he is mugged by two slugs. Later on at the police station, the officer asks him,"Can you give me a description of the assailents?" The snail ponders thi s for a moment, and then replies," Gee, I'm not sure... it all happpened so fast."

What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Curt and Rod (curtain rod)

What does a lawyer use for Birth Control? His personality~Billy

Why are fish shops always crowded? Because the fish fillet!!!

What's long, yellow, and has been out in the sun too long? A banana peel.

A hillbilly walks into a feed store and stares at the fan. "Wowee," he says, "that's the fastest dern squirrel I've ever seen!"

Where do zombies go for relaxation? A dead ranch.

What goes 99-thump, 99-thump? A centipede with a wooden leg.

A man is sitting on a park bench, making the STRANGEST noises."Are you all right?" asks a concerned stranger. The man nods and keeps making the noises. The stranger then asked "Then why are you screaming like that?" The man replies "It keeps the eleph ants away." The stranger mentioned that there weren't any elephants for miles. The man smiled "See, it works!"

Have you ever seen an elf fly? It's at the top of elf pants.

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? BEAUTY is in the eye of the bee - holder.

What bird can lift the most weight? The Crane.

What did the cannibal say when he first saw a skating rink? What do you know... People on the rocks!

A chicken and a pig were knocking back a few beers at the tavern one night when the chicken said, "Hey, let's go into business together. We could open a ham-and-egg restaurant." "Not so fast," the pig replied. "For you it's just a day''s work. For me, it's a life-and-death proposition.

Did you here about the nearsighted whale that followed the submarine? Every time it shot a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.

A blonde is driving down the road and sees another blonde out in a corn field sitting in a row boat just rowing away. She gets very upset and gets out of the car to tell her off . Its blondes like you that give all us blondes a bad name and if I could swim I'd come out there and Kick Your ass!

Two statues, male and female, have been guarding the door of an old church for centuries keeping out evil spirits and such, so one day God decides to reward them. He comes down and says, "Ok, since you have been so good, I am going to give you a day off from guarding the church, spend it however you wish." A few minutes later, God sees the statues dissapear behind a bush. The bush commences rattiling and shaking like no ones business. Twelve hours later, they emerge. "Hey," God says "You've still g ot twelve hours left, go have fun!" So the female statue turns to the male statue and says, "Ok, this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."

A salesman comes up to a farmer in his barnyard. Next to the farmer is a pig with three legs. As the pig hobbles around, the salesman says to the farmer, "That's terrible! Why don't you put that pig out of his misery?" The farmer drew a deep breat h and said, "Let me tell you about that pig. One night, my house caught fire and that pig ran through the house, woke everybody up and got us out safely." "That's no reason to let him suffer!", said the salesman. "That's true", said the farmer. "But t here's more. One day, my tractor flipped over. That pig ran back to the house and got help for me. He saved my life." "I'm sure he's very talented", said the salesman, "But look at him. He can hardly walk. Why don't you just take him to a vet and ha ve him put to sleep?" The farmer looked at the salesman and shook his head. "Listen buddy, if you had a pig that was that good, would you eat him all at once?"

Why did the leppers have to quit playing hockey? Because there was a face off in the corner.

Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top? He was loitering within tent.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear) What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea.

What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise.

Two biscuits walking down the street. One gets crushed by a passing car. The other one says "crumbs".

A guy walks into a bar, orders a pint and a pork pie, downs his pint, puts the pork pie on his head and smashes it with his hand, then walks out, leaving the barman a little confused. The next day he comes back in, orders a pint and a pork pie, downs the pint, puts the pork pie on his head, smashes it with his hand and walks out, leaving the barman even more confused. The next day he comes in again and orders a pint and a pork pie but the barman, trying to figure him out, says "sorry, no pork pies" so the guy orders a packet of cheese and onion crisps instead, downs the pint, puts the packet of cheese and onion crisps on his head smashes them with his hand and is about to leave when the barman stops him and asks "why did you just smash that packet of cheese and onion crisps on your head?" and the guy replies "because you didn't have any pork pies."

Granny was visiting town for the first time. She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him. "Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, b ut that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid good money, and this room won't do at all! It's too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there's not even a bed!" The bellhop looks at her and says, "Ma'am, this isn't your room, It's the elevator!"

Why can't they have baseball stadiums in Poland? Everyone would be sitting behind a pole!

What time does a proctologist get up in the morning? At the crack of dawn.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the opossum that it COULD be done!

What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pitbull? A dog that bights off your leg, then runs for help.

What's black white black white black white black white black white...a penguin rolling down the stairs.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors? So he could hide in the M&M dish! Have you ever seen an elephant in the M&M dish? See it works!

Why did the booger cross the road? Because he was being picked on.

Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Because he saw his phone bill.

In the days where tall, wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this one ship sailing during a war. That morning, the lookout shouted, "enemy ship on the horizon." The captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." The ensign, rather bewilder ed from this odd request, did as his captain ordered. Thought he battle was a long one, the captain and his crew managed to fend off the enemy ship. Later that day, the lookout shouted, "two enemy ships on the horizon." As before, the captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." And, as before, the ensign did as his captain asked. The battle took the rest of the day to fight, and managed to defeat the two enemy ships. That evening, the ensign asked his captain, "Sir, Why, before every battle, do you ask for your red shirt." The captain replied, "Well, if I am wounded in battle, the blood will not show and the crew will continue to fight." The crew was listening, and they were impressed. They had a brave captain. The next morning, the lookout sho uted, "Ten enemy ships on the horizon." The ensign looked at his captain, waiting for the usual orders. The captain said to his ensign, "Ensign, get me my brown pants."

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequilla! (to kill her)

How does a blind parachutist know when the ground is close? His guide dog's lead goes slack.

What's bright yellow and can't swim? A bulldozer.

Two vomits were walking down the street when one started to cry. The other said, "What's wrong?" The first replied, "This is where I was brought up!"

What looks like Blu-Tak, feels like Blu-Tak, tastes like Blu-Tak, but isn't Blu-Tak? Smurf poo.

Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make dolphins live forever!

Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realised that in order to mass produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried away by his love for dolph ins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds.

Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from its cage. The zoo keepers were alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone t o sleep.

Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he stepped absent mindedly over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? Somebody who lays awake wondering if there's a dog.

What's better than finding Barney the Dinosaur in a gargage can? Finding him in TEN garbage cans!

A guy goes to the shrink and says, "Doc, you gotta help me...I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Teepee, I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Teepee!" The Doctors says, "Just calm down, calm down, you're TWO TENTS!"~Anonymous~

Why were all the ink spots crying? Thier father was in the pen.

What did the dog say to the tree? bark.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The barrtender says to him "Hey we have drink named after you." The grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Murrry?"

Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? To find Pooh

One day a priest was walking down a street when he saw a young boy jumping trying to reach a doorbell. The priest asked the boy if he needed help. The boy said yes. Then the priest asked what next. The boy replied "RUN LIKE HELL." ~Sarah~

A boy came home from school one day and his mother said that the office had called her and that he had been distracting the class all day long. So the mother takes her son upstairs to his room and looks at him sternly. Then she sighs and says: "okay, Johnny, Take off all my clothes. And I mean ALL of them." Johnny says: "Mom, do I have to??" and the mother says "yes." So Johnny takes off all her clothes and then the mother says: "Now you must promise never to wear my clothes to school again, John ny."

Why did Helen Keller burn her face? She answered the iron.

What's the difference between a guy falling from the 1st floor and one falling from the 17th floor , the guy falling from the first goes, ' splat , Aaaaaaaargh " and the one from the 17th goes, " Aaaaaaargh , splat ".

Did you hear about the idiot who was in a spelling bee and was asked to spell Mississippi and the idiot said "which one? The river or the state?

Did you hear the one about the idiot who drained his pool and his wife asked him why he did that and the idiot responded "I want to pratice diving but I don't know how to swim"

Did you hear about the idiot who got a camera for his birthday? He just got back his first roll of film, twelve shots of his right eye.

What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit? A bad hare day.

Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower? That means he hids well.

What do you do if you see a spaceman?. Park your car in it man.

Why is the sea so rough? You'd be too if you had crabs on your bottom and clams in your bed!

Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputati on because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn't take her clone's foul mouth anymore, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

What was the centrepiece of the annual Anorexia and Bulimnia sufferers convention? A cake jumping out of a girl.

I was sitting at the bar, and the brunette sitting next to me rolled her eyes at me, so I picked them up and rolled them back. I decided to leave and go back to my apartment. When i got there, I decided to take the elevator upstairs. Gee it was heav y! I finally got into my room, and closed the door. I walked into the kitchen and heard a tap on the door. What a funny place to keep a tap. I glanced toward the window, and noticed a tall blonde walking past my window. I KNOW she was tall, because I live on the 3rd floor...

Ok, the opposite of PRO is CON, right? So what's the opposite of progress? CONgress.

Why did the booger cross the road, because he was being picked on!!!!!

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?

What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy 'O Furniture.

I was in the country one day. As I was walking, I saw this chicken cross the road. I was curious why the chicken crossed the road, so I ran to catch up to it. When I got to the chicken I asked it, "Why did you cross the road?" It said, "Buck-ah, bu ck, buck, buck-ah!"

Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies.

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes!

What do they call the plastics in the White House? Tipperware.

Poo Poo Boudreaux and Poo Poo Tibideaux were coming up a inlet in their motor boat when they saw another boat loaded with fish. Seeing as how their luck was pretty piss poor today, Boudreaux asked the fisherman what his secret was. He said, "Jes go ou t to sea until the water gets fresh. Stop there and drop yer line." Excited, Boudreaux fired up the motor and headed out to sea. When they got a little ways out, he told Tibideaux to fill up a bucket and taste the water. Tibedeaux complied and said, "It's still salty Boudreaux!" Boudreaux went further out and told Tibideaux to taste the water again. Tibideaux said the same thing, "It's still salty Boudreaux!" This went on for hours... Finally it was starting to get dark, and they were in the middle of now here, when Boudreaux said to taste the water one last time. Tibideaux replied, "But Boudreaux, there's no more water in the bucket!"

Why does the name"Edward Woodward" have 4 'd's? 'Cos his name would be Ewar Woowar!

Three friars were banished from their monastery for strange behavior and various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.
One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of tow n. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home.
Well, a coup le weeks later, another woman was walking through the friars shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." And all the people gave up and went home.
A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into thefloral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was nouse. A large dandelion wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it. When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar' s store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go home.
Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and s aid, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and stupid plants and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.
The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

A man is in a mental institution, and after 5 years he can take a test to see if he can leave. They call him in and ask him to name his body parts. He says "finger, hand, wrist, knee....", but points to his elbow when he says "knee". He fails, and five years later he comes back again. He says "finger, wrist, elbow, shoulder, bellybutton....." but points to his nose, not his bellybutton. He fails again, and he also fails the next four tries. Finally after 30 years he comes in and says "finger, han d, wrist, elbow, shoulder, eye, nose, mouth." So they let him leave, but before he goes they ask how he did it this time. The man points to his head and says "I used my kidneys."

What did the crypt keeper say? Let's go chopping!!

How to you organize a spacey party? You planet.

How do you start a book about ducks?...With an introducktion. 

What do you call a person with nothing to do?...WAKKO (I personnally like this one... of course if it was true it wouldn't take me 6 months to update my pages :)

How do you catch a rabbit? Hide behind a tree and make carrott noises.

Let me know when the list is updated. Here's the joke: Why don't lepers play poker? Because they can only throw their hands in once.

What do you get when you cross 100 pigs with 100 deer? 200 sows and bucks!!!

Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there's too many cheetas!

Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there's too many cheetas!

What did one frog say to the other? Time's sure fun when you're having flies!

Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies!

What do you call an Italian feline trying on clothes? Catalina dressing.

There was this old lady and old man. The poor man couldn't hear very well, so he depended on his wife to interpret for him. One day, while they were at the doctor's office, the nurse asked the man to take off his shirt. He asked his wife, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife repeated, "They want your shirt!". Then the nurse said, "You need to remove your pants." The old guy asked his wife again, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife repeated, "They want your pants!" Then the nurse said, "Excuse me sir, but we need a stool sample and a urine sample". Again he asked his wife, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife said, "They want your underwear!.."

Whats round and red and goes up and down? A cranberry on an elevator.

If a athlete get's athete's foot wha does an astronaut get? Mistle Toe.

Santa says to Mrs. Claws "Any idea what the weather will be like for Christmas?". Mrs Claws: "Look's like rain, dear"

What do you do with two pieces of bread in the desert? Make a sandwhich!

Did you hear that the Governors mansion in West Virginia burnt down. All the way down to the axel!

Why did the boat go to the doc? he was sick.

Once upon a time, there was a small village called Trid nestled in chain of huge mountains. The peasents who lived in this town were very poor (as peasents usualy are) because every year the king sent his tax collector out to take almost all of the f ood that the peasents grew. One year, when the tax collector went to retreive his annual tax, none of the peasents had any food at all, claiming that the giant who lived in the mountains had stolen all that they had. Being unable to collect the taxes, (o r to find anything else worth taking) the tax collector returned to the king to bring him the news that there would be no taxes this year and to relay the story of the giant in the mountains. When the king of Trid heard of this he was outraged and order ed 100 of his bravest soldiers to go to the mountains, slay the giant, and bring back the lost crops. The soldiers began to march up a steep mountain path, but before they had gone too far, the giant appeared from around a corner and kicked all of the so diers off a nearby cliff. Only one soldier escaped death and he, being a good soldier, returned quickly to the king and told him of their misfourtions, after which he died of internal injuries. The king was now even angrier, and ordered 200 soldiers, le d by a preist, to march up the mountain and recover the crops. The soldiers instanly set off up the steep path, but around the same corner the giant came again and kicked all of the soldiers (and the preist) off the cliff. Once agin, one man returned t o the king to retell his sad story. The King of Trid was now FURIOUS and orderd 500 soldiers, led by a rabbi, to attempt the same mission. Once again the solders reached the cliff and were greeted by the horendous giant kicking them off the cliff. Every body was knocked off execept for the old rabbi, who watched the others meet their demise and then saw the giant turn to walk away. "Giant," the rabbi called, "why have you killed all of these men but spared me, an old rabbi?" The giant turned again, walke d to the rabbi and gently patted him on the head as he said, "Silly rabbi, Kicks are for Trids."

The Hunchback of Notre Dame wanted to go on vacation, so he put an add in the newspaper for a temp bell ringer. Well, weeks and weeks go by, and there the hunchback is, sitting on the bottom of the steps woeing his bad luck, when a short man with no a rms walks up to him and says: "Excuse me, but are you the hunchback who needed the bell ringer?" "Why yes I am, but how can you ring the huge bell, you have no arms?" "Let me show you, its amazing." said the little man. So up and up they go to the ve ry top of Notre Dame. And the little man walks to the very last possible inch and runs, face first, into the bell. "BANG!" went the bell. "WOW!" went the Hunchback."Can you do it again?" "Sure," said the little man. So he runs to the last possible inch a nd starts to run back. But the bell was still swinging, and right as the little man is about to run into it, it swang out of the way and the little man fell though the hole, all the way down into the street below. "Oh no, now I'll never get my vacation" s aid the Hunchback as he ran back down the stairs. By the time he got all the way down, the police had arrived. The detective asked the Hunchback if he new the name of the victim of the fall. "No, but his face sure rings a bell"

What kind of milk makes you blink? Past eur ized

What did the digital watch say to his mom? "Look mom no hands."

How does the gingerbread man make his bed? With cookie sheets.

Why does an elephant lie on the ground with its legs up in the air? To Trip Birds!!

A burglar was in a dark house. When he picked up the T.V. a voice said "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the T.V. and whirled around his flashlight looking for someone without any luck. After picking up the VCR the voice said once again "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the VCR and demanded "Who said that?" A voice in the back of the room said "Me, Clarence!" He spotted a parrot with the flashlight and said "Did you say that?" Clarence acknowledged. The burglar then asked "Who would name a Parrot Clarence?" To which Clarence replied "The same guy who named the rottweiller Jesus!"

One day there was a guy named Mack. All his friends called him "Big Mack" because of his size. Mack had always wanted to be a bus driver, and one day his dream came true. He finally became one. They gave him his bus, which was yellow. When he saw it, he asked the boss "Can I paint it a bit, make it look better?" and the boss said he could. So he painted Sesame Street Characters all over the bus and off he went on his first route. His first passenger was a young, pale boy of about 8. When he stopped, Mack said "Hi! My names Mack, but my friends call me Big Mack". The young boy said "Oh hello, I'm Paul, but all my friends call me 'Special Paul' because they think I'm special". The boy got on the bus and Mack kept driving. At the next stop there were 2 really fat, obese ladies. When he stopped he said "Hi! My names Mack, but my friends call me Big Mack". The ladies introduced themselves as Patty and Patty (2 patty's). They got on the bus and away they went. At the next stop was this punk guy. When Mack stopped he said "Hi! My names Mack, but my friends call me Big Mack". The Punk said "Yeah Hi, I'm Lester, But people call me Lester Sneeze because I sneeze a lot." He got on the bus and away they went. Everything was going fine until Lester pulled out his knife and started to pick the Bunyins off his foot and fling them at the Paul. Paul got really scared and ran under the seat where the 2 Obese Patty's where. They didnt know what was happening and started to scream, and then Paul started crying and then Lester started picking his bunyins and flinging them at the 2 Patty's and Paul. Mack got really confused and didnt know what to do, so he ran off the bus and to the phone booth. He put his money in and called his boss. When he picked up, Mack said "HEY! I GOT A PROBLEM!!! I HAVE TWO ALL BEEF PATTIES SPECIAL PAUL AND LESTER CHEESE PIKCING BUNYINS ON A SESAME STREET BUS!!!!!"

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