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DON'T waste money on expensive iPods, simply think of your favourite tune and hum it, If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
DO NOT waste money buying expensive binoculars, simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
RAPPERS, avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
MEN, When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches this will save your wife from having to do it.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights so that other motorists know where you're going.
CHEER loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the lottery.
PENSIONERS, try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car, that way you will be able to see out of the front window.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
CLIMB onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.
ALWAYS keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
TERRIFY ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their
holes.
POP a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.
SUCK the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker "Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
CONFUSE shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.
A HEDGEHOG trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT one!
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.
Don't eat yellow snow!
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